F**k Swine Flu

From the Daily Mash...

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/health/who-will-be-the-first-arsehole-to-wear--a-facemask?-200904291731/

Some Lions based humour flying about on email today - enjoy!

Some nice re-use Chuck Norris jokes her in the reasons why Paul O'Connell is the Lions captain. And below Quinny and Earls Lions diaries...

• Paul O Connell can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without instructions or an allan key.
• When Paul O Connell was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
• Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "<>
• If you wake up in the morning, it's because Paul O Connell spared your life.
• Paul O Connell won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
• What colour is Paul O Connell's blood? Trick question. Paul O Connell does not bleed.
• Paul O Connell once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
• When Paul stares into the sun, the sun flinches.
• If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Paul O Connell says its beef. Then it's beef.
• James Bond has a license to kill. Paul O Connell don't need any licenses.
• Paul O Connell' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Paul O Connell.
• 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Paul O Connell. Sounds like a fair fight.
• Paul O Connell played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
• Paul O Connell once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
• You can lead a horse to water. Paul O Connell can make him drink.
• Paul O Connell once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
• When you open a can of whoop-ass, Paul O Connell jumps out.
• Killing Paul O Connell doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
• Paul O Connell does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
• When Google can't find something, it asks Paul O Connell for help.
• There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Paul O Connell way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
• When Paul O Connell watches a pot, it boils immediately.
• Paul O Connell once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
• Paul O Connell has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.
• When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Paul O'Connell.
• Superman wears Paul O Connell pyjamas
  
  My First Lions Tour Diary, by Keith Earls
  
  Today I joined a team called De Lyons. Haven't seen any tea yet. They wear Red though so must be OK.There are some fellas from outside Munster here who are not from New Zealand or wherever Mafi comes from.
  POC and Quinnie told me not to speak to the Leinster boys, as they were a bad lot who might 'give me ideas' and that I might '; Get above myself'. Spent the rest of the day trying to stay under myself. This is not easy.
  PLayed the first game against a team called Saffers. The ground was harder than in Thomond, and we played under something called the sun.
  Scored three tries in the first half. Jerry Flannery warned me 'I was not bigger than the team' and that I had almost missed a tackle.
  Concentrated on my defensive play in the second half so only got two tries. After the game Paulie called me a good lad and ruffled my hair and gave me a strawberry cream chupa chup. My favourite!
  
  My Tour Diary by Alan Quinlan
  
  Played first test. Managed to successfully goad the South Africans to attack me en masse. 6 sent off. Afterwards gave Schalk Burger back his jock-strap. Pilfering it in a ruck was what kicked it all off. What larks! He took it in good spirit, really, and it only took fourteen security guards to hold him back. Roll on next week, when I hope to bring home someone's ear as a nice souvenir of my time here.
  

Lions squad announcement

I am very much looking forward to the Lions announcement this afternoon. News on the BBC yesterday suggests Paul O'Connell will get the nod as captain. I'm delighted for him as he's a natural leader on the pitch and has been unlucky to be on the same team as another leader of his stature, Brian O'Driscoll.There shouldn't be any major surprises in the squad, other than maybe the inclusion of Johnny Wilkinson. Although with his Wasps connections McGeechan may opt for Danny Cipriani.

Of the 36 I'm expecting about a dozen each for Ireland and Wales, 7 or 8 Englishmen and a handful of Scots. Find out if I'm right at 13.30.

Chelsea 4-4 Liverpool

Absolutely gutted.

But what a game...

Cats show superiority

Denis Walsh can be under no illusion about the task ahead of him this year, having seen his Cork team demolished by a well-oiled Kilkenny machine. Walsh knew there was plenty of work to do when he took the job, but a 4-26 to 0-11 trouncing is an indication of how far off the pace this team is.
Having secured Division 1 status it is fair to say that the league campaign can be rated a relative success - or at least not a total failure. With seven weeks to the Munster championship versus Tipp this result should prove a true assessment of the damage done over the past few months. That said Kilkenny are leagues ahead of the rest and Cork could go out and compete with any other team in the competition.
The question is whether they can bridge some of that gap to the Cats, a feat which no other team has been able to do this decade.
Match reports from Tony Considine and Tom Humphries.